Sweets, eh? There's so much variety out there that it can take you all day to choose what to purchase from Mr. Toffee's Sweetie Emporium of a Saturday afternoon. Luckily, we at 'idiot' recognise this dilemma all too well and have set out on an exhaustive mission to figure out the best and worst of contemporary confectionary.
1. CHOCOLATE BARS WITH
STUFF INSIDE
[The description of each bar by our trained scientists is followed
by the scientifically calculated number of bars one has to eat before one is
sick in the bin. (Units in bars/sick-1)]
MARS BAR
It's the original and I still like it. Especially now they've made the bar smaller
so you don't feel sick and have to stop half way through. Mind you the King
Size bar makes a mockery of the term 'king size', being the same size as the
original standard sized bar. Anything with caramel in it is good - fact. (M)
V sickly. Erm... Look, it's a Mars Bar - you don't really need me to tell you
what it's like. Pen, tree, Mars bar - okay? [0.85 bars/sick-1]
Marks out of ten: 7 (N)
FUSE
Actually like this one - it's just chocolate with lots of bits
of stuff in it, kind of like Fruit 'n' Nut but with nice chocolate. Bet it's
really nice if you leave it out in the sun for ten minutes. (M)
Fussy and over-chewy. [0.25 bars/sick-1]
Marks out of ten: 2 (N)
DOUBLE DECKER
Ahh, lovely. Crunchiness downstairs and a top deck of chewy fluffiness
upstairs. I wish all buses were like this! Ha ha. (M)
Good solid foundations with a gooey pillow top. [2 bars/sick-1]
Marks out of ten: 8 (N)
LION BAR
Why Rice Krispies and wafer? Why? No wonder the adverts are so
macho - this is a weedy and pathetic excuse for a snack. (M)
Like cereal covered in chocolate. V dull and not scary unlike its new brother
below... [2 bars/sick-1]
Marks out of ten: 4 (N)
PEANUT LION
Not a good invention - if I'd wanted to eat peanut butter raw
I sure wouldn't surround it in Rice Krispies and chocolate. urrrgh. It's like
some hell recipe from the side of a cereal box. (M)
Extremely frightening. Like peanut butter covered in chocolate - No. [0.00001
bars/sick-1]
Marks out of ten: 0 (N)
TOPIC
Rather under-rated as the poor man's Snickers (although actually
more expensive), it's got slightly weird caramel and the nuts are in the nougat
stuff which doesn't taste like it was made with 9 parts peanut butter - hurray!
But why 'Topic'? (M)
Funny taste with nasty white stuff inside. Was sick in the bin. [Microscopic
morsel]
Marks out of ten: 0 (N)
BOOST
Biscuit Boosts kind of depress me 'cos they remind me of the
original Boosts with coconut and they were cool. It's a tasty enough snack although
the biscuity bits are a little annoying being rather too small and hard for
my liking. but the caramel and the chocolatey insides make it worth buying (particularly
if they'd dump the biscuit). (M)
Filling like tasty sand. Covered with goorgeous sticky caramel which coats the
tooth for hours. [1.5 - 2.0 bars/sick-1 (but you don't mind and eat
another one anyway)]
Marks out of ten: 10 (N)
2. LOTS OF LITTLE
CHOCOLATES IN A BAG
MALTESERS
Nice and big and round. Best if you suck all the chocolate off
and then suck all the air out of the honeycomb so it collapses. Gives you a
sore mouth though. Kind of boring otherwise. (M)
Appearance: Puffy little honeycomb spacemen with solid choccy suits.
Taste: Smooth and fizzy with a golden crunch.
Marks out of ten: 8 (N)
REVELS
Like a really crap box of chocolates. It's got Maltesers in it
which is a complete swizz unless you really like Maltesers. Cool solid chocolate
saucers. Nice coffee and orange creams. Huge, scary chocolate-covered peanuts.
Really hard toffees. Still seems exciting though, despite all these flaws. (M)
Appearance: A riff-raff of flavours with a common disguise.
Taste: Coffee - yow; Toffee - wow, and half a rainbow inbetween.
Marks out of ten: 6 (N)
MINSTRELS
Doesn't melt in your hand and doesn't really melt in your mouth
either 'cos of the crunchy shell. Nice rough texture appears when you suck it.
Nice chocolate too. Good saucer shape and good size. (M)
Appearance: The future of currency is chocolate.
Taste: Teasing defence of brittle coat is successfully breached to the sweetly
giggling centre. Joy.
Marks out of ten: 10 (N)
M&Ms
Kind of like Smarties but with a nutty sort of taste. Nice colours
but a bit hard and small. Swizz that the orange ones don't taste orange. Printed
'm' is cool. (M)
Appearance: Tiny, obese Smarties.
Taste: Chocolate dark and smoky. Crisp shell and inner chocolate crunched up
indiscriminately with no flirting. Enjoyable, fast and satisfying.
Marks out of ten: 8 (N)
MILKY BAR BUTTONS
Milky Bar chocolate which is proper. When did they get so small?? Even small
children wouldn't be impressed and students will be well annoyed. (M)
Appearance: Hellooo? Where are you?!
Taste: Despite size disappointment, one pale morsel produces an adequate creamy
chocolate fix. A handful terrorises the mouth with swaggering confidence and
resistance is useless (but exciting).
Marks out of ten: 4 (N)
[Chocolate experiment carried out by Nicolette and Marceline under laboratory conditions.]