biscuit reviews!

Biscuits are the gods of the food world and TAR are the gods of local teen heavy-metaldom. Thus anyone's idea of heaven on earth would be a merging of these two wonders into a strange but pleasing amalgamation. Yes! For one day only, those teen terrors TAR joined us here at 'idiot' to review a huge array of the most exciting biscuits on the planet (and some dull ones for good measure) to provide the most comprehensive and accurate information possible at this time. Because, as PJ & Duncan once sang:
"Biscuits, biscuits - we love a nice biscuit. Try to steal our biscuits and we'll go ballistic!"

The mighty hungry TAR

Guest reviewers, the lovely TAR.
[Matt, James, Neal]

Our distinguished panel are:
JAMES JOHNSON: With such an excellent reviewing technique, James could quite easily land a job with Biscuit Monthly despite having writing like a girl.
Biscuit twin: Happy Faces - Cute at first but becomes unnervingly sinister over time.
MATT NELLIS: Only member of TAR to correctly fill in the form. Grotesque amounts of imagination bursting from such a small head.
Biscuit twin: Nice biscuit - he's just so damn nice, dammit!
NEAL WARRACK (hence the name): Haphazard form filling technique. Writing is a pink spiky nightmare.
Biscuit twin: Tunnocks Teacake - Shiny on the outside, fluffy on the inside.
MARCELINE: Frighteningly bossy, Marcy was the obvious choice for the Biscuit Keeper. Enjoyed throwing biscuits at James' head. Marcy is not in TAR.
Biscuit twin: Toffee Yoyo - Difficult but worth the effort. Old-skool retro cool.
NICOLETTE: Obsessed with buttons and anything which tastes woolly. Lives at the bottom of the garden impersonating stones and has no concept of biscuits. Also not in TAR.
Biscuit twin: Jaffa Cake - Innocuous in appearance but full of hidden fun.
[Marks are out of ten and are an average.]

1. LICCY BICCY
JAMES: Like Nesquick, with an appearance of a thin layer of coloured jism.
NEAL: Looks like a bizkit - fruity but crunchy. This one actually tastes of piss. Don't buy this biscuit!
MATT: If you lick, it is cool. If you eat it, it sucks.
MARCY: Like them coffee biscuits but orange. V. hard.
NIC: Imagined these to be a biscuit of wondrous proportions, like Party Rings but better. But life is cruel and far too short.

APPEARANCE	TASTE	CRUMB FACTOR	OVERALL
5.6	2.8	0.6	3.8

2. DIGESTIVES
JAMES: Groundbreaking, yet boring.
NEAL: Taste like digestives. You can't beat these classics.
Serving suggestions: Dunk in tea.
MATT: It's amazing how they manage to write on the biscuit. Fascinating.
MARCY: Countryside food. Tastes old and crumbly but in a good way. Gets boring quickly.
NIC: Surprisingly tasty but too large to use as buttons. Damn.

3. TOFFY POPS
JAMES: A great combination of biscuit and toffee. A cacophany of taste and texture if you will.
NEAL: You can't see the toffee, what a surprise. The toffy sticks in your teeth - tremendous!
MATT: Tremendoz! Muchacha! Plantpots!
MARCY: Actually quite crap despite containing caramel. Also the juxtaposition of caramel and biscuit is a bad idea. Hurts teeth.
NIC: The stickiness of the caramel and meltiness of the chocolate makes this biscuit useless for buttons.

4. LEMON PUFF
JAMES: The yellow bit looks nuclear, making this a biscuit of danger.
NEAL: Looks like crackers with sugar. Bizkits with cream are always good and lemon is good.
MATT: Just like the name, it is a puff.
MARCY: Slimy and sticky crackers filled with lemon cream. Nooooo.
NIC: It's a lemon cracker! Excuse me for a moment, I have to go shoot the person who invented these...

5. COCONUT DELIGHT
JAMES: Big testicles. A brain on a bed of shit. Humorous none the less.
NEAL: This is quite nice. Roll on the coconut delights.
MATT: Looks like testicles. Big ones and hairy.
MARCY: Coconut Tunnocks Teacake. Like eating a big puffy ick thing.
NIC: Looks amazing, like a spaceship from Planet Squidgey.